Gravity and Balance

We have a parenting philosophy that developed somewhere along the way as we were raising our children. What’s funny though is that I don’t think we knew had an official philosophy until after we were done.

We always gave our kids boundaries and they typically stayed within them. Now, it’s not that they were perfect but it’s because we established suitable boundaries to fit their development. For example, when they were really little, I put them in a playpen where I controlled the environment. Within the boundaries of the playpen, they could do whatever they wanted, (i.e., sit, stand, jump, put toys in their mouth). Inside the playpen, they could make choices as to what they did but I knew they were safe. As they got a little older, they could scoot around the room and they could pull up on the couch or the coffee table or maybe even climb up on the couch. The environment was relatively controlled but there was the possibility that they could tumble off the couch and while they might get a bump, it wouldn’t be life threatening. This was an opportunity to learn about gravity and balance and how to handle yourself.

As they got older, their boundaries got wider but as parents we always set the boundaries that were appropriate for their age. Within those boundaries, they were free to make choices. Some might be good choices, some not so good. But even the not so good choices weren’t likely to cause serious trouble. I used to let them climb up on the brick base of the poles outside Publix and jump over the concrete balls at Target. Could they fall and get hurt? Sure, but it was relatively low risk. In most situations, I gave them enough freedom to have fun so that when I said, “No” or “Don’t do that” they listened because they weren’t always feeling controlled.

The same philosophy held true as they got older and began to venture out of the house. Initially, they could play out in the yard by themselves but couldn’t cross the street. Then they could go three houses down the street but not out to the field. Within each boundary they were given freedom. I didn’t hover. I didn’t tell them what to do and what not to do. If they made a poor choice then they had to pay a consequence, but again, they were allowed to make mistakes within a relatively controlled environment. They learned how to make wise choices and I found I could trust them. That’s why it wasn’t hard or traumatic as they hit adolescence and started going out.

At each new level, as the boundaries expanded, the level of control decreased and the risk increased. That’s pretty much how life works. But what’s important is that the child grows in knowledge, skill, and wisdom. And if you’ve done it right-ish, the risks and rewards balance out. You can never control everything. And, spoiler alert, you never will.

Now my kids are adults and their boundaries are endless. Each of them have lived multiple thousands of miles away from home. I miss them when they are gone but I don’t worry about them. They’ve learned about gravity and balance and how to handle themselves.